4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
