dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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