im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
