@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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