I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
