East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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