youre lurking in front of me
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
