How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
