and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize