Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
