i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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