I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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