he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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