Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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