Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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