i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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