either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
