I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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