I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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