just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
