That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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