how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
