Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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