i jhust puked up my retainher.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize