Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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