Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
