So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
