The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize