Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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