i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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