Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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