There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
