all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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