For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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