Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize