i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
