You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Less talking, more tequila
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
