You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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