I could make wine with my vomit
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
