Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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