Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
