I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
