She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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