That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
