her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
