you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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