I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
