someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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