I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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