Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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