I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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