Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
