My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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