Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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