Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
