She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
