Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
