Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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