so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
